...and possess the rarest treasures on earth...
...then store them in an underground lair."
What? This guy is crazy. Did you hear this?
I can't believe he would write something like this. Freaky guy.
Yes, we now know the who and the why.
But where do we find a man obsessed with such a rarity?
Well, there's this memorabilia fair tomorrow...
...with rare toys and stuff. Maybe he'll be there.
So you think that Bowman will show up...
...to see these rare items.
That's crazy. So crazy...
...it just might work.
Pistachio and Jennifer went to the antique show hoping to find Bowman.
My grandson decided to disguise himself as a lady.
Appraise this!
What are you doing? That's the Nest in a Box.
It appears to be of Tuscan design. I'd say early 12th century.
I knew it was old, you fool.
Let me appraise you: You're an idiot. A complete idiot. How does it feel?
What is this? 12th century Tuscan? It's nice.
- I think that's him. That's Bowman. - Oh!
Well, you're a tall drink of water.
- And I just love moisture. - What?
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Gammy.
- Gammy Num Num. - Devlin Bowman.
Don't be ashamed of your feelings.
Your desires are perfectly normal, I assure you.
- What desires? - Well, guess what, Backstreet Boy?
This Girl Scout isn't content to be the Malcolm in your middle.
- Run along, Gammy. Run along. - Touching me!
Pushing me. There's pressure.
- Moving me back. Touching. - Go. Go.
- What's your name? - I'm Barbara.
Nice to meet you, Barbsie.
- We're never going to make babies. - Right.
I'm having South American art dealers to my house on Sunday.
We won't go anywhere with you, melonhead.
- I'd love it if you'd join us. - I'd love it if you'd shut up.
No need to bring anything...
...except that beautiful smile. Ciao.
"Ciao." Did you hear that? Italian. Look out for the Italian man.
Fetch! Come on, fetch!
- I'm not comfortable with the new plan. - It's very easy. Listen.
If you will distract Bowman at the party...
...I�ll disguise myself as a... - No!
I'm Master of Disguise.
- I'm sorry... - What sorry?
The job description didn't say anything about dating weird old guys.
"Dating weird old guy."
What? Look.
Look what The Cuteness found. On page 52...
...the scary monster say, "From time to time, assistants...
...to level 1.5 apprentice Masters of Disguise...
...may be required to date weird old guys."
Well...
There you have it.
Their plan was simple:
Jennifer would sneak into the mansion and look for clues...
... while Pistachio would distract Bowman.
Gentlemen, sorry to keep you waiting.
My dear, I'm delighted you came.
Excuse me, but where is the ladies' room?
In the main house, down the hall, first door on your left.
- Want me to show you? - No, it's okay.
- Hurry back. - Okay.
Nice.
- Lovely woman. - Will you excuse me, please?
We'll party all night long. Right. Having fun.
- Have fun. I must speak to someone... - Say hello to my little friend.
- What is that? - Don't touch. See that?
That is a rare shrunken head of a tribal chieftain...
...from the village of Constopolocolus Holiholibosis...
I'm telling you, Scooby-Doo is computer-generated.
No way! It looked so real.
I'm very interested in this, but I have to check on something.
Choking?! Heimlich maneuver.
- I'm not... I'm not... I'm not choking! - Are you choking or not? I gotta know.
- I'm not choking. - Not choking. My mistake.
He was not choking, and I was doing the Heimlich maneuver. Could be dangerous.
I'm sorry. That's my fault. Someone's not choking...
...no maneuver!
No maneuver!
Robin, Ricky, it's him. I better take these.
Chicken satay?
And get that little stick stuck in my esophagus? Not a chance.
- What else you got? - Crab cakes.
With your attitude, they should be "crabby" cakes.
Now I'll ask you, have you got a little wiener and some tiny nuts?
I could tell by looking at you, that you had...
...a little wiener and some tiny nuts. Oh, yeah.
Hi!
- I was just looking for the bathroom. - In the living room?
You had lovely furniture and I just thought I'd...
I'll show you.
After you freshen up, join me on the terrace for an aperitif.
It's lovely out there.
Oh, yeah! Gotta dance.
Who is this guy?
This idiot is ruining my party. Bring him to me.
Did you see a dark-haired guy run by?
Dark-haired guy run by, chief?
Dark-haired guy go in the water. Shark in the water.
Farewell and adieu...
...my wee Spanish ladies. - What are you talking about?
What?
I'm talking about a great white, chief. Two ton of him.
Twenty, maybe 25-footer.
There's no shark here.
You sure about that, chief?
You ever seen a shark's eyes, chief?
Kind of like dolls' eyes, all black and lifeless-like.
Twenty nine kids go in the water.
Twenty two kids come out of the water.
The ice cream man, he take the rest.
April the 9th, half past 4 p.m.
Wait. Show me your arm.
You want to see my arm, chief? That's my arm right there, chiefy.
Stop becoming another person. Stop becoming another person...
It is him!
I run away from the big blue henchies!
- I stepped on a cow pie! - Forget about it.
I told you he wasn't here. Let's go back.
Fresh air.
I told you! There he is!
Hello. My name's Constable Mueller from the Bavarian Tax Authority.
Hello.
I'm here looking for Ms. Jennifer Baker.
She owes a substantial amount of taxes...
...from her time as an exchange student at the University of Heidelstrudel.
I just need to ask her a couple of questions.
Not going to bite her. Could I just speak with her for just one moment?
Not going to bite.
- Freak. - Yes?
Don't move.
- Wait right here. - Yes, of course. Wait right here.
Doesn't sound too promising. Maybe it's time to go to plan B.
You need to relax. Yes, you do.
God, no. I just... I don't really like being touched.
- You dropped your purse. - Thank you. I got it.
Okay.
- Let's see what's in here, shall we? - There's nothing inside.
I had a little cold, so there's medicine for that. It's gross in there.
Why don't you come with me, my dear? This way. Yes.
Where did you come from? Where's the other guy?
Suave. Terry Suave's the name. London, Scotland Yard.
What do you want?
It's what the British government wants.
And that's a Miss Jennifer Baker... At her service...
In regards to Operation Minty Hippo.
Minty Hippo? What is that?
I'd tell you, but it'd be a real ding-dong-ding-wad...
...I need a Charleston Chew. Get it? Got it? Doubt it.
- It's time for you to go. - Put a squeeze on your chat box.
- What? - This is what you're doing.
This is what I want you to do. Any questions?
- Did you just tell me to shut up? - Yes, you catch on straightaway.
The muscle. Yes, of course. Familiar scenario.
You want to get physical?
A blow to the dewy gumbel would start things.
Finally, a smack to the didgy dodge. Did someone yell, "Timber"?
Listen. It is okay.
I did receive a letter.
She received a letter. Get it? Got it? Doubt it.
Good day to you, sir.
Follow them.
I believe that Devlin Bowman...
...has forced my papa to become a Master of Disguise once more...
...in order to steal rare treasures from around the world.
My Disguisey instincts tell me that they're in the mansion somewhere.
- My tight blue sweater! - Sorry, Trent.
- Trent? Who is this? - Hey, baby. We were just...
Sophia! You, here, with Trent? What are the odds?
Shut up, clown.
- Leave him alone, you bully! - Don't worry.
- The slapping time, she comes. - I'm gonna enjoy this.
Pistachio, it demoralizes your opponent...
... to repeat the phrase, "Who's your daddy?"
Yes.
Who's your daddy, Trent?
Who's your daddy?
Having fun now, Trent?
How do you do?
Oh, Pistachio!
Thank you for saving me from that horrible person.
Let's go, Jennifer.
Hey, my little waiter friend, Pistac...
Thanks for letting me borrow the Apollo for my tour.
No problem, Miss Simpson. Thanks for the CDs.
I hope you like them.
Jessica Simpson.
You seem tired, Frabbrizio.
Don't worry.
It's almost over.
You're insane!
- Thoroughly insane. - Am I?
He's asleep with The Cuteness.
I want to get something off my chest. Today, when I saw you dressed up...
...like the crazy, hairy guy...
...at that moment, I really thought you were this...
...pathetic, insane, absurd...
...spastic little man.
And now I believe that you can do anything.
That's very nice, but not true.
I can't turn mud into oatmeal, or build a spaceship that will travel to Pluto.
But you can find a way to rescue your mama and your papa.
Yes. Yes, I believe now too.
Your pep talk has transformed me, tiny butter-bottom. I mean, Jennifer.
You said, "Tiny butter-bottom."
Did I, the future mother of my babies? I mean, Jennifer?
You said, "Future mother of my babies."
Did I, fat-cat mama with the red dress on? I mean...
- You said, "Fat-cat"... - I don't know why I said that.
It just was the emotion. It just...
My first kiss.
I must apologize, I was a little forward.
But perhaps you enjoyed a little bit?
You know what time it is?
No, I don't know. I don't know what time it is.
Time to make a plan.
Ah, yes. Yes.
Back to business. The planning time, she comes.
Okay.
- All right. - It's okay. It's okay. Nice.
- Fresh too. Night. - Night.
- Night now. - Good night.
The Cuteness was on guard.
But he'd be no match against Bowman's henchmen...
... who had orders to kidnap Jennifer. Time was running out...
... as Bowman put the final touches on his evil scheme.
Grandfather, please, I need your help. I am out of ideas.
Grandfather, you are a big floating head.
I'm a prerecorded hologram. What's your question?
I have not mustered enough Energico to overcome our enemies.
I was hoping you'd be here.
- What you doing here? - My mom's missing, but I found this.
- Bowman's cigar. - Is my mom okay?
She's just out buying cigars now.
We have work to do!
I need a disguise to get into the Bowman mansion.
- How about if you dress..? - Silence!
Grandpa, why don't we give him a chance?
Sometimes out of the mouth of babies...
All right, but quietly.
You never know who might be listening.
That's crazy. So crazy...
It just might work!
Feast your eyes! Some of the world's greatest treasures. The Liberty Bell.
There's Mona Lisa. The ruby slippers.
A Betsy Ross original. How about that David?
We got Bruce Willis' hairpiece from Die Hard 2.
One of my prized possessions here, the Apollo 11 Lunar Module.
Yep. One small step for man.
Black Mark EBay has a policy of not asking how items are obtained.
But in your case, I am curious.
Italy's own Frabbrizio Disguisey.
Okay, so it is the Master of Disguise.
Want to see him?
- So you're gonna auction him off? - Too easy.
- It's you. - Right.
I'm going to Krazy Glue this to Frabbrizio's head.
Then tomorrow, I'll push him over a cliff. Everyone will think I'm dead.
It's called the perfect crime. Ever heard of it?
Let me show you the rest of the items.
Mr. Bowman, no cherry pie?
Later, Palmer. Come on.
I don't even know where this cherry pie came from.
Go figure.
These cherries are so ticklish.
And slippery.
The Cuteness, this is dangerous. Go home.
It's Cherry Pie Man! Get him!
Jennifer was forced to be the Black Mark EBay spokesmodel...
... as our nation's treasures were auctioned off.
The famous "We the People."
Yo, Doug. Check this out.
Did it ever occur to you that this cherry pie thing was Frabbrizio's son?!
No matter.
Oh, by the way, Steve, your wife called.
- Oh, that's great. Thank you, sir. - Sure.
You're not married!
Pistachio?
Now we got you.
How did you know it was me?
Who's your daddy?
This little dude is slapping these ninja guys senseless!
- I set you free! - That's my belt!
- Wait! Ninjas! - Out of the way!
Anyone who stays gets a raise!
No way! He slap us silly!
You may want to see this.
Smorgasbord.
Mama, look out!
No more caramel corn for me.
- Pistachio. - Grandpapa.
I wanted to witness your first Disguisey victory.
Hey, Disguiseys, it's not over yet.
First you will see who is your daddy.
I was going to throw him off a cliff. Instead, I'll have him kill you.
- Papa. Papa! - I am not your Papa.
He must have been pulled to the dark side of Energico.
There's a dark side? Exactly like Star Wars?
- I am Devlin Bowman! - No, Papa, you are not Bowman.
Take off your mask. Let's all go grab a bite to eat at the Olive Garden.
I am Devlin Bowman!
I have a secret underground lair...
...filled with rare objects!
Because of you Disguiseys...
...I spent 20 years in the Palermo State Penitentiary.
I hate you!
- But, Papa... - Pistachio!
This is between father and son.
- I am not your papa! - Pistachio, be careful!
- You are my papa! I swear you are. - No, I am not!
- Goodbye, peanut! - No, Papa!
- Use the Energico, Pistachio! - Yes.
Papa Bowman. Please, don't you remember?
I'd put the underwear on my head. You'd take it off.
Those were the days. Right?
What are you talking about?
Underwear coming... Stuck in butt crack...
His underwear's on his head. Just like when he was a little boy!
- Take those underwear off your head! - Take that mask off your face.
Papa!
Moustache, Papa! Yes!
The nose! Yes!
Get the eye. Another! Yes! Papa! Papa! Yes!
My son.
It's Frabbrizio!
Pull him up!
- The Disguisey tradition. - Papa free!
So we freed Mama.
Jennifer became Mrs. Disguisey. And Barney got a papa.
Finally, Pistachio became a Master of Disguise.
There was one thing left to do.
We had to get the Constitution from Bowman.
Can I get you anything?
What do you get a man who has everything?
I can't believe it, it's President Bush!
What?
Good to see you.
- Mr. President? - Folks around here call me "W"...
...but you can call me King George.
That was a joke, son.
Mind if we had a picture together?
Take your time. I'm ready. Say, "Who's your daddy?"
- Sir? - This is what you're doing.
This is what I want you to do. Questions?
It's you!
Yes. Yes, it is me, the Master of Disguise.
- Get him! - We're Disguiseys.
- I think I stepped in a cow pie. - Forget about it.
Bring on the heat.
I came to get the Constitution back.
And this one's for you, chiefy!
Is he dead?
Bowman, he make the stinky.
- Who's! - Your!
Daddy!
Say hello to my little friend.
By the authority of the Disguisey tradition...
...page 73 of the pop-up book...
...I hereby pronounce you wife, son...
...and Master of Disguise.
Bravo, my son, bravo.
I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got there, I'll never know.
I'd like to spin you on your spinely-spobbly spibbly.
Oh, baby going to cry? His mommy called?
And cut.
- Run, Jennifer, run! - Pistachio!
And...
...action!
I like the juice. You like the juice?
Sometimes that Master of Disguise go away.
Sometimes he don't go away.
Okay, now...
...the Master of Disguise...
...can he change into, say...
...Barbra Streisand? - Of course.
- Britney Spears? - You're a sick man.
The Olsen twins?
There's a nice, cool little moustache there...
...on the big, bald, mean guy's face. That's refreshing.
Hold!
Unleash hell.
I never knew if I'd see Jenny again.
- I've seen your type before. - What are you doing?
I'm Gammy Num Num. Then take a gammy of my nummy-nums.
We don't want to go anywhere with you, melonhead.
You filthy thief!
Take that! And that! And that!
Buttercup says you are a bad man.
I'm not the dummy, he is.
Can you believe how stiff he is? And I'm the one made of wood.
I don't want any trou-bubbles!
You got a little wiener...
Get the bee out. I won't play games.
- You got a little wiener... Go away. - Got a little bee.
There's no wiener. There's just a bee.
I still have the greatest anti-Disguisey weapon of all.
There's a dark side? Exactly like Star Wars?
- What's going on? - Pistachio's in grave danger.
Pistachio, come back!
A bottom.
Yes. I see now.
Love is thicker than your behinds.
Look what Daddy made for you.
A little sweater. I knit it last night for you, little Buttercup.
My name is Gluteus Maximus. Are you not entertained?
Why are your arms around the tush queen?
Wait, I screwed it up. She's the cake. You're the queen.
And remember, Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.
No one really had a clue what he was doing up there in the first place.
- Now show me some toys. - Toys? Yes, of course. Toys. Here.
How about this? This is the world's first giant yo-yo.
Oopsie-cadabra. It looks more like a no-yo.
Hello?
What?
Hello?
What?
Who..? Who are you?
What were you doing in the slapping dummy?
Slap!
Come back here, slapping-dummy man. It was you all along, all the time.
You were the one. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you.
Now, all right, all right. Let's not fight.
I just want to talk, okay? Now, listen. I just want to talk to you.
I slap you!
Come back here!
Come back here, slapping-dummy man.
I'll get you, Pistachio.
- Please, slapping-dummy man. - I'll get you.
- I didn't mean it. - I'll get you, Pistachio.
- I didn't mean it, slapping-dummy man. - I'll get you.
So we find a nest, and then we started training.
And then we go to the slapping dummy, no offense.
But you gave me quite a workout a few times. You must really love to slap.
- I love to slap. - Yes, you love to slap, yes.
What are you people still doing here? You saw the movie.
I'm trying to talk. All right? Goodbye.
All right, so anyway...
- Pistachio, I'm sad. - What is the matter?
- I want to say goodbye. - All right. We fade up.
- Goodbye. - Goodbye.
No more dog food.
Turtle, turtle!